Subtleties in the Making and Unmaking of a Bully: Uncovering the Family System
In their differences and conflicts, in their endless inherent imperfections, all families are a strange system of competitive dynamics between the self and the whole. Must one person always win?
If we understood this dynamic, we could more effectively undercover the antecedents that lead up to creating a bully. Abuse of power among siblings, between parents or between parents and their children poisons growth. Using a power holding position to achieve results does not recognize the difference between respect and fear. Eye-rolls, sarcasm, put-downs (disguised as humour), teasing, shaming, pulling the wool over someone's eyes, exploiting a person's fears in order to belittle or control them, taking away a prized activity or article (consequencing), making fun of, withdrawal (time-outs) and silence are all based in competition as one person tries to position him/herself as better or more powerful than the other.
Anxiety, fear and agitation often emerge from stressful situations in families and fuel the appetite of the bully. In this anxious world, everyone has the potential to become that which is despised. Over-reactive stress response systems push us to protect ourselves by closing off parts of our lives that leave us feeling vulnerable. We numb ourselves to what we sense threatens us. We defend ourselves inside a safe womb of eating, drinking, medicating, shopping and attaching to technology, all contexts that will filter out the feelings that make us feel vulnerable. By numbing out, the ability to care, to show compassion and to form meaningful relationships are also lost.
Culture has changed. Vulnerability is seen as a weakness, fearlessness is admired and perfection is a goal. Blocking out fear, anxiety, shame and disappointment also eliminates any experience of joy, love, belonging and hope. The bully is numbed out, tuned out and has backed out of relationships. The bully has beaten vulnerability to the punch and cannot be in touch with his or her own emptiness. By numbing out the dark emotions, there is no ability to let oneself soften into caring about, showing respect or loving another.
Embracing vulnerability and imperfection with unconditional acceptance will help families to see each other with new eyes. Caring, compassion and consideration will trump shaming, blaming and complaining. Relationships will become what we strive for because it will be safe to uncover our authentic selves. Bullying will become extinct because of the emotional generosity afforded to each individual in the family system. Acceptance of small and large annoyances, respect for one another, a sense of sameness, belongingness, loyalty, importance and love will prevail. The bully will be understood inside and out and with that knowingness be unmade and then cultivated to reach his full potential. Everyone in the system wins!
