Parenthood: Giving when the well feels dry
Love and support, given unconditionally inside a nurturing relationship, is what every parent strives for after making the decision to raise a child; this is the essence of parenthood. For the past thirty years, parents have been increasingly overwhelmed by all of the programs and activities being offered by organizations convinced they have the answer to bringing children to their full potential. In a society which values athletic skills, not too much intelligence, limitless sociability and the latest in technology, we have lost the relationship with children that previous generations took for granted.
Parenting has become a set of skills to be followed along lines recommended by experts. Today's parenting strategies are not getting the return on the investment that many expected. With the increase in childhood and adolescent mental health and behavioural problems, the understanding of parenthood has become infinitely more important than the search for any plan of action.
Not long ago, I overheard a young father and his two sons (ages 4 & 6) chatting together in a small coffee shop early on a Saturday morning. "Tommy," the father said to the four year old (whose face lit up when he was addressed), "you are going to play hockey this year, learn to skate fast, stick handle and score lots of goals. Soon you'll earn a place on a rep team and be able to travel to hockey games every weekend. You'll probably be spotted by an NHL hockey recruiter and be able to play pro hockey and earn millions of dollars, a year". As the plan unfolded, Tommy's face became increasingly glummer. His eyes filled up with tears and he said, "But Dad, I just want to shoot the puck around with you".
Tommy's Dad played minor hockey and he always had aspirations of becoming a big league star. His father (Tommy's grandfather) had no time to take him to games because he was committed to working the demanding hours his advertising agency expected. How he longed to play sports - or did he? What Tommy's Dad was not aware of was that he was still yearning for a relationship with his own father. Thinking that being a star would provide the fulfillment which he lacked, Tommy's Dad focussed on shaping his son into an all-Canadian icon.
At four, Tommy's instincts could still experience the force of the attraction to his Daddy. What Tommy wanted was for his Dad to orient him in time and space, to have similar interests, to make some room for him to matter and to keep him safe. In this moment, it was clear that all of Tommy's energy was going into finding his bearings. He became very anxious and slugged his little brother. A tousle followed.
The situation in the coffee shop was more than the Dad could handle and he yelled at both boys telling them they could never again come out with him for breakfast on a Saturday morning; they were both grounded in their rooms until dinner time. The boys left with their father in a cloud of destructive energy.
This is one of many situations that is played out on any Saturday morning. Parents intend to connect with their children but unwittingly trip over some hidden impediment from their past. This hurdle blinds them to their children's longing for the warmth of an invitation to exist, just as they are.
How can we get this message across to our children? Experts try to convince us that there is a skill set that can be acquired. Exercising skills without a relationship is the difference between parenting and parenthood.
Dr. Gordon Neufeld's approach will help you to locate your own blind spots so that you can give to your children even when the well feels dry. It's not the activities that you do with your children that count, it is who you are - YOU matter. Copyright, 2010 by Susan Dafoe-Abbey. Permission to use this material, either in English or in translation, for educational purposes is hereby granted.
