Have our Discipline Practices Created a Crisis of Connection with Our Kids?
Dr. Ron Taffel, a respected American psychologist observes a trend: the responsibilities of parenting have turned into a project to develop the most marketable child. The quality of the child or the product produced is the result of the investment or the outcome of the amount of time and money, that a parent can manage. Woven through the mission of this investment are distorted, misinformed and dangerous discipline practices such as time-outs and consequences which involve the loss of something a child deems as important.
A child development study at the University of Virginia, led by author and psychologist Dr. Barbara Ouderkerk, found that the more psychological control children and youth experience from parents, the less likely they were to express their own opinions, to give reasons why they felt that way and to do so in a warm collaborative way. Some parenting and discipline practices are teaching children that disagreeing with their parent or others hurts the relationship, so instead it is better to just agree.
Withdrawing love from your child when misbehaviour occur, ignoring them for extended periods of time or giving them a time-out may be an early warning that you are psychologically controlling. Recognizing that you have the power in the relationship to cultivate roots of closeness that promote emotional development, you also have the power to use the relationship against the child. Too often, when a parent feels at a loss for turning a situation around, a favourite object may be taken away for a period of time. Referred to as a consequence for bad behaviour, a child feels confused when someone who is there to take care of them turns around and hurts them so deeply.
In a society, where there is a loss of wisdom, we have forgotten that behaviour is emotionally and not cognitively driven. A child doesn’t have time to think about his behaviour. Behaviour comes from fast- acting instinct. Any human being’s greatest fear is separation from loved ones. Imagine what it is like for a child who is dependent on a parent for everything and is forced to face separation through a time-out or withdrawal of attention. A short-term consequence may be good in the moment but the alarm that is triggered has a long-term impact and leads to bigger “acting out” problems.
Children need an invitation to exist that is big enough to contain the behavioural symptoms of the “separation complex”. A parent’s insight is the most important instrument in disciplining or establishing order with a child. Neuroscience has brought emotion back to child-rearing. Children’s behaviour is emotion-based. It can’t be shaped by what comes after it occurs but by the antecedent. The adult must become accountable instead of making the child responsible. Two important questions for adults to ask are: 1) “What am I doing to keep this child out of trouble?”; and 2) “What can I do to control the circumstances that control the child?”.
Children are feeling disconnected from those who are responsible for them. This crisis can be turned around in four easy steps: 1) Shield children with a safe emotional attachment; 2)Protect them against wounding experiences where possible; 3) Melt their defenses with emotional warmth; and 4) Inside of a safe emotional relationship, lead them gently into living a full life with all of its’ unpredictable ups and downs. Real people must be nurtured and cultivated as opposed to marketable products being sculpted and produced.
Copyright, Susan Dafoe-Abbey, 2014. This article in its original English or in translation may be used for educational purposes. susan@dafoe-abbey.com www.dafoe-abbey.com 519 829 2232
