Childhood Attachment Problems and Adult Rage
Since Freud's time, it has been fashionable to "explain" adult behaviour, especially adult personality or behavioural problems on childhood experiences. In particular, the mother has been singled out for a considerable amount of blaming as being responsible. We hear of a "momma's boy" denoting a too-close attachment and dependency on the mother in childhood and a later dependency of the adult male on his choice of partner. Neufeld's developmental attachment-based theory, like many other theories, points out that it is the quality of the child-parent relationship, the degree and predictability of nurturing attachment that is paramount in helping the child to grow, develop and mature. This maturation includes a healthy respect for the parental generation, both mother and father.
What we are witnessing in the last decade or two is an increased number of men who appear not only to disrespect women but also to feel that violence against them is perfectly acceptable - at least to them. Some, like the Vancouver physician Gabor Mate, have argued that many men see the world only through their own eyes and see others only in terms of how they can be used to satisfy one's needs and fantasies. He singles out as a prime example, Jian Ghomeshi, as someone who not only fantasized about violent acts towards his sexual partners but engaged in them whether on a consensual or non-consensual basis. His needs were prime and the harm done to others (women) was disregarded, if he was aware of it at all. It remains to be seen whether Ghomeshi's violence was, in some way, displaced rage against his own mother for the way he was treated as a child.
Many men report they are aware of anger - sometimes mounting into rage - which they cannot explain. Perhaps it is due to their current state of affairs (job, home demands, financial situation, etc.), and perhaps it is due to a long, smouldering anger at one or both parents because of shortcomings in the way they parented. Some men (indeed some women, as well) are able to contain their anger and to allow it to dissolve or they are able to channel their strong emotions into acts that are not harmful to others. Other individuals are able to control their anger for only so long - then the dam breaks and the person closest to them (physically or emotionally) becomes the target. This displaced anger frequently comes "out of the blue" for both parties. I have often written about the brain's internal watchdog, the amygdala. This little organ can initiate a rageful attack and it can be triggered by the slightest and least expected signal: a look, a sound, a story, even a taste or a smell. It's a brilliant piece of wetware in the middle of our brain but we have to learn what starts its programs and how to regulate its output.
We can't blame the past if we won't take responsibility for our present.
Copyright 2015, Susan Dafoe-Abbey BIS, MED, RMFT, RP, Neufeld Professional Associate. Permission to use this material, either in English or in translation, for educational purposes, is hereby granted.
